Unless you are dealing with Infertility not many people realise how hard it is on a day to day basis, not even the spouse some times.
Everyday I think about having (or shall we say) not having a baby and I get upset, depressed and angry all at the same time, every day is a struggle.
You see babies and kids everywhere and even a simple thing can make me tear up.
I get angry when I see some parents that (in my opinion) don’t deserve to have kids because they are treating them bad, and it also upsets me that these kids have to live like they do.
Then there’s the issue of everyone around me having kids, a girl at work is pregnant with her first and a guy at work is expecting his first, don’t get me wrong I’m very happy for them but it just makes you realise what you don’t have but desperately want.
Also just general people making conversation, it could be your family or friends/coworkers or complete strangers who ask why you don’t have kids or tell you that you should have some or even worse, tell you that you shouldn’t cause they are hard work (the hard work I’ve been longing for since I was a teen), it makes it hard, do you tell them your story or do you not, every person is different, I personally am very open and I do tell my story, I may not go into great detail but they usually know that I want kids but can’t have them without medical help.
A few years back I had a fight with a friend of mine after I de friended her on facebook (fb) because she was having back to back kids and it hurt me so much to always see her pregnant or with babies so I took her off my fb along with anyone else that was expecting or had babies, unfortunately she got offended and said I was punishing her for being able to have a baby, this was never my intention, I just simply couldn’t bear the thought of seeing it all the time, it made me extremely depressed and envious (but not in a good way).
Then another friend (close friend) had a baby in her 40’s and I was so happy for her and even more excited when he arrived, however one day our relationship was forever ruined with a few simple words “leave MY SON alone”, this friend knows my whole story and knows how hard I’ve tried to become a mother and how much I long to be one, so one day whilst I was simply playing with her son whilst he was in his pram trying to make him giggle, she came out and said that, I held back the tears and utter shock really, I left her home shortly there after and didn’t see her for almost 6 months. I’ve never told her why because I believe she should know what she did and how hurtful that was to me.
So all in all Infertility is crushing and can lose friendships and relationships quite easily, so along with the devastation of not being able to have a child comes the hurt and anger of losing others you love, it’s a tough place to be.
I feel for my husband because he just doesn’t understand how hard it really is, he has 2 children to a previous marriage and so he is quite fulfilled in that department, I talk about having kids all the time, sometimes I joke about it, other times I’m serious and there are times where I am just angry about it and that can come out in things I say, my intention is never to hurt anyone but I’m hurting so much inside it’s hard to fight sometimes.
I’ve tried every option to have children including IVF, donor, fostering, adopting all come with a high price tag or can’t be done for one reason or another, the only thing we haven’t tried as yet is vasectomy reversal (VR) for my hubby, but it’s been 14 years since he had it done and it could end up being $11,000 down the drain, we won’t know until we do it, but at this stage it’s our best option as if it does work it means we have the option of having more than one child.
Believe me, at this stage I would be ecstatic with one child of my own but I’ve always dreamed of a large family 2 plus kids (of my own) please don’t take that the wrong way, I love my step daughters as if they were my own but if you ask any woman, it’s just not the same as having your own biological children. I also don’t want to take away that right from their own mother.
Every day I wake up and have so many thoughts running through my head, how can I raise the money needed for the VR? Can I find a donor so I don’t need to (possibly waste) $11,000? If we get a donor will my husband have the same bond with the baby as a biological dad? Will my husband reject the child at some point in their life? Should we save for IVF or VR what’s better? What happens if the VR doesn’t work? If I find a donor, what if that doesn’t work either? What if the donor changes their mind and wants access to any resulting children? Why can’t I adopt? There are so many unanswered questions going through my mind in all the hours that I am awake, I try to fill my time up with other things and keep my mind occupied and off the subject but it always creeps in there.
Even in my dreams (nightmares) it comes out, most of the time it’s nightmares but occasionally there will be a great dream of me giving birth and holding my child for the first time but I never get any more than that and whilst that makes me very happy it is also disheartening when I wake up and realise it’s just a dream.
Anyway I think that’s enough of the sad story for now.
If you or someone you know is also dealing with Infertility I’d love to hear from you and be here to listen.
To read about my Infertility Journey so far click here
To find out what’s next in our Infertility Journey click here