My Infertility Story…17 years and counting!

pregnancy

Ever since I can remember I’ve wanted to be a Mum, When I was little I played with dolls, feeding them, changing them etc, and when I got a little older and saw a real baby all I wanted was to hold them. I’ve also been a Nanny countless times and even Fostered Children. My dream is to be a Mum and I’m going to make that happen any way I can but it has been a real struggle and a lot of heartache.

I was a young starter and when I turned 18 I did some silly things in the effort to get pregnant and I did this again after my first marriage for the same reason, NO I wouldn’t suggest not using protection especially if you barely know the person but all I wanted was a baby, so my personal health took the backseat and in hindsight that was very dangerous. So please don’t try what I did. When you are desperate to fill that gap in your heart you do silly things.

So I met my 1st Husband when I was just 19 (2002) and we got married in 2008 and then Divorced in 2011, in this time we tried (ALOT) to get pregnant but it just wasn’t happening, I always thought it must be my fault as my husband had lied to me for years about having his own kids, so it never struck me that it could be him, he also Lied about getting tested, needless to say this is a big part of why our marriage ended. Anyway so I had every test done and they all came back clear, eventually he told me the truth and we went to get him tested, this is when the Bad News arrived, he has a triple chromosome disorder, meaning low sperm count, low motility (movement) and low morphology (missing heads and/or tails), so in a nutshell they gave us a 1% chance of conceiving naturally. So without ended our relationship there and then we looked into other options. We did a cycle of IVF in 2008, all Thanks to my mum for giving us the money to do so otherwise there is no way we could have done it. Unfortunately out of 16 eggs, we got 6 fertilized, but only 2 survived. We put in 1 egg but alas 2 weeks later we got our BFN (big fat negative) test, one of hundreds of tests I’d done over the years. We couldn’t afford to do any more IVF, nor could we afford to keep the last embryo on ice so a year later we had to have it destroyed as that was the only option at the time, I have since looked back on that decision and worried that maybe that was my only chance at having a child and I destroyed it, I try not to beat myself up but it’s hard. After that I took to the Internet trying to find a solution, I came across a sperm donor site, we found an amazing man and we got along so well with the whole family, all health checks and sperm checks were done and it was all great, we then tried via AI (artificial self insemination) 4 times but each ended with a BFN. So again I thought it must be me and went and had a bunch of tests done again but all came back clear, I was so confused, upset and angry. Also back then the ways of doing AI weren’t as good as they are now and I was probably doing it all wrong. So that was the end of my opportunities to be a mum with my first husband.

After my 9 year relationship ended, like I said I did some silly things and tried to fall pregnant with 4 other men, none of which worked. I must say that whilst trying this way I was prepared to be a single mother, I wasn’t wanting the man to be a part of this process after conception.

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After 18 months I met my current husband and within a week of starting our relationship we sat down and had a serious talk about life, I asked him if he wanted kids (he already had 2) and he said NO, I was freaked out, but then he said, I CANT, I’ve had a vasectomy. When he said that I was disappointed, but I know in this day and age these things can be reversed and so it’s still a possibility. He was prepared to have it reversed and try for a baby if our relationship stood the test of time, which I understand completely. We started seriously talking about the procedure about 2 years into our relationship, however money has always been an issue. The procedure costs $11,500 and there are no rebates what so ever, so now we are 4 years down the track after initially looking into it and I’m still waiting to be a mum, I’m now 35 and my hubby is 48, so the clock is ticking. It’s just so hard to get that sort of money and the fact that it’s not a guaranteed outcome is really scary, it’s a lot of money to be potentially throwing away so I think that’s why we have both been a bit hesitant and trying to look at as many different avenues as possible before that, but after trying a new sperm donor without success over several tries I just want to have my long awaited Baby. I think part of the reason the last donor did not work could be because of stress and knowing deep in my heart that I really want my baby to be biologically my husbands. I have always struggled with the fact of having a child that is not biologically ours because I fear the worst with my husband not feeling like it’s his child even though he’s assured me that won’t be the case. I also want it to be his biologically as he is an only child so I’d like to hopefully have a boy that could carry on the Family name. So now we are playing the waiting game again, whilst trying to save for the procedure, the biggest problem is that it’s been 14 years since it was done and after 10 years the chances of successful reversal go down a lot, however the doctor we will go through has got lots of experience with micro surgeries, having done over 3000 so far, so we just have to have faith in him.

Seeya GAM

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